It’s My Birthday!

TW: Depression/Suicide/Trauma

Historically, my birthday was the loneliest day of the year. It was a day that confirmed how meaningless and unloved I was.

Seven years ago, the night before my birthday, my coffee pot broke, and I collapsed on the floor in tears.

Now I have literally no reason to wake up.

Just a couple of years ago, when I opened my eyes on my birthday, my entire body shook in rage.

Dammit! I woke up!!!

I spent most of that day alone in my car, crying. Where I lived was not a safe space for feelings, and being inside would have sent me over the edge.

When wilL this all be over? When wilL the pain finally stop?

I always felt like my closest friends and family’s primary intention was to check on me, not necessarily wish me a happy birthday. They knew how hard today was. It was always a sheepish, “Happy Birthday.” Immediately followed by, “How are you doing?”

It was a day I had to get through. A day that I endured. Throughout the decades, there were only a few good birthdays.